The day you become a mother for the first time, another thing seems to happen simultaneously and almost automatically. The ugly birth of mothering guilt. A guilt that grows bigger as your kids grow bigger and gets heavier and heavier. Talk to any mother and she will be able to quickly share her “guilt” stories. That time she lost her cool with her kids in a way that still makes her cringe when she thinks about her. Or the time she told her daughter to just ‘shut up’. The time she allowed a child to do something reckless and they ended up in the emergency room. The time she looked away for too long or the time she forgot to fasten the car seat and only realised it by the time they arrived at home.
If I think and reason about it intellectually, it is such a ridiculous concept. Yet, we continue to walk around weighed down by all the guilt we carry. I used to feel guilty about being a working mum. Leaving my boys in the care of someone else at the age of 4 months broke my heart and just felt wrong on so many levels. And the guilt almost consumed me. Then I stopped working, stayed at home with them and fully expected the guilt to disappear. It didn’t. I found something new to feel guilty about. If you look, you will always find something you could be doing better. And in the modern age we are living in, where people are so used to freely sharing their opinions on a public platform, it has become so much worse. For crying in the bucket, I ran into an acquaintance the other day while out grocery shopping and when her 4 year old saw the pack of frozen oven chips in my basket I got a lecture on the fact that it’s unhealthy and kids should never eat it. There is literally nowhere to hide anymore.
Two events recently made me decide to make more of an effort to let the guilt go. One was on a “reminiscing” afternoon, while sitting down and watching old video clips of the boys. I looked at how happy they were. At how many memories I recorded, how much joy and happiness was captured. I realised that despite the fact that I worked, I was still there for a lot of things. I would’ve loved to be there more often, but it just wasn’t possible at that stage. And you know what, my boys are still alive, still emotionally stable (most of the time), they still think I’m the best thing since sliced bread (most of the time) and they still love me.
On another occasion I was helping out at the school canteen. I’ve almost never ordered Aidan anything from the canteen and was surprised on that day to see how many parents use the service. The next thing that followed was guilt. I stood there and felt overwhelmingly guilty for never ordering a canteen lunch, but rather packing one myself everyday. I felt as if my child was missing out and I was at fault. But then I stopped for a minute and realise the absurdity of feeling guilty about the fact that I pack my child a healthy lunch every day. That I spend the time every night doing it. I realised I had to get a grip and STOP.
So I appeal to all you mothers. Stop the guilt. (And as I have asked before: please stop the judgement too, that just perpetuates the guilt in others.) Whenever a guilty thought comes up, have a quick think and replace it with a good one. I can guarantee you for every one thing you do that you think you should feel guilty about, you are doing 10 other things that should make you feel proud of yourself.
Despite all the experts telling you that you should never do/say this, that and the other, despite the amount of chicken nuggets and chips your child consumes, despite you losing your cool, sometimes more than once a day, despite you working, despite your divorce, despite the sugar laden breakfast cereals, despite all of that, your kids will be ok.
I’ll end with a lovely quote from Rachel Macy Stafford from handsfreemama.com
‘Because of you, there is a human being walking around this earth who doesn’t have to ask for love- it is just given. It is just given. Let that soak in for a moment’
migratingtomotherhood 